Having a baby does not define you but it does complete you. For a short time at least, it completed me. My husband and I alone were a couple but when we conceived Claire we became a family. Our family is now defined by the tender balance we try and create every day between her presence in our hearts and her absence in our home.
More so than those parents who have a child, our lives are defined by the loss of our precious Claire. I wonder how many people look at my husband or I whose first thought isn’t about how we are coping, grieving or otherwise functioning with such a heavy burden on our shoulders. When I am being positive do they think: “She is doing better, she is moving on, she is getting past this.”
I’m not. It’s true that both my husband and I are able to display strength on the outside. We both go to work, we continue to be social, we travel, we eat, and we laugh. We do everything we did before but our spirits are crestfallen. We are suffering daily. Our strength is being able to survive enough to make it one day to the next. Our strength is fighting to remember Claire. Our strength is loving each other and loving our daughter. I’m sure people often mistake our outward signs of living for inward signs of healing.
I believe this is where the breakdown in sympathy occurs. As our lives seemingly return to normal, people will assume that we are doing better. The “how are you feeling” and “is there anything I can do to help?” will begin to vanish even though the need for that support hasn’t waned. Our visible “bad” days will start to dwindle and the sting of the tragedy will become a more and more distant memory. For us, the sting is more comparable to a grenade and we will be permanently disabled.
I meant what I said about the fact that having a child does not define you. It’s simply another of the many definitions that make you, you. Mother. Wife. Sister. Lover. Friend. Daughter. There is no word to define those of us who have lost our children. The impact is so broad, so far reaching that the very essence of ourselves is forever altered. The goal then is realize that it’s not only the loss of our children that define us but how we use that experience to enrich our lives and the lives of others. If I am to be defined by my tragedy, I can at least try to work towards building a happy ending. When that seems impossible I remember I that the end of my life will have the happiest ending of all: an eternal reunion with Claire.
